July 28, 2012

Reality......The unforgivng MOTIVATION

It's amazing how time flies....even though some time has past I'm stuck in this painful "reality". My son will be two months old on August 4th and I am no closer to my "ideal" body weight. I can honestly say that I have been trying, but I have such a long road ahead that I fear I will loose focus and give up....
Yesterday was one of my good friends wedding day...A day that was (supposed) to be an all out happy, fun day was far more upsetting for me. It was a beautiful day and the bride looked absolutely GORGEOUS as did my fellow bridesmaids....... I came upon a picture of myself and the wedding party and I could just cry. Every time I saw my reflection I shuttered.... Such a cruel reality to finally realize that my weight has taken over my life once again.... I have put on 50lbs with my second child that will take me over a year to take off and that reality is just to much to bear knowing that I have to face the world each day at this most unattractive weight..... I fear what others think of me and I am not the person I want to be and who I know I am deep down inside.
I am much to familiar with this type of "pain" growing up a heavy little girl with a beautiful face.... When I finally did take charge of my weight I always feared deep down that one day I would gain all that weight back......And now that is my painful reality. I fear my struggle will continue to take me down..... The finish line feels so far away, yet I know it will creep up to me.
So now it's time to face my fear head on. As sad as it is I'm more concerned as to how the world view's me at this weight....I feel judged at every moment and it was so hard for me to walk down a long church isle with eyes on my large figure. I simply just smiled and pretended that I was the skinny girl walking down the isle on my own wedding day...... I didn't even dance or have as much fun because I just felt like the "fat girl" in the room. It's crazy to me because I am a grown thirty something woman with a loving husband and two beautiful children, but when I look at myself in the mirror all I see is a freighted fifteen year old with a letter to her mother asking for help to loose weight and be a normal, happy young woman......
So my journey continues.... The scale has yet to move in three weeks.... I guess it's time to fighter harder and get my act together. The hardest part? Admitting to the world the harsh reality that I am overweight....That is my first step...Stop hiding and taking responsibility for my weight and who i am at this very moment and start doing something about it. So when those wedding pictures pop up on Facebook I will just have to cringe and realize the woman I see in those photos is who I am right at this moment and the only person that can make her change is me......
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